Welcome to another installment of Marketing People Send Us the Stupidest Crap.

The last time we posted about the swag that crosses our desks, we had received a poorly-executed “art” book that celebrated the female ass and a faux-Wheaties box with Will Ferrell and Jon Heder on it (marketing material for Blades of Glory that proves Hollywood types have more money than they know what to do with).

This time around it’s smokeless snuff tobacco (ew) and a pair of sunglasses (thanks).

 

J.Lo Sunglassesimpendingnausea.jpg

Over at Star Scientific Inc., they’ve discovered a growing market niche — “the smokeless tobacco” user. To meet the needs of this growing consumer category (6% annual increase!) and to answer the public health crisis smoking creates, Star has created patented dissolvable tobacco products that are — get this — “between 10 and 1,000 times less hazardous than smoking.”

Ariva® and Stonewall® will soon be available at a retailer near you — “the new dissolvable products flavors will be identified in the marketplace as ‘Better Than Cigarettes’® — Find Out Why.’”

Did we get sent some confidential company memorandums by mistake? Good thing they registered that trademark — it’s pretty catchy, that.

The second page of the release reads like a sinister tobacco company memo written by a lawyer: “This press release contains certain forward-looking statements within the meaning of the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995. The Company has tried, whenever possible, to identify these forward-looking statements using words such as ‘anticipates,’ ‘believes,’ ‘estimates,’ ‘expects,”plans,’ ‘intends,’ and similar expressions. … The risks, uncertainties and contingencies include, without limitation, the challenges inherent in new product development initiatives, particulary in the smokeless tobacco area….”

Ick.

The second item that crossed my desk this week was on a much lighter note. Marshall’s announced the opening of its new juniors boutique — The Cube — by sending out a cube-shaped box (is that redundant?) with a pair of hot pink J. Lo sunglasses on a nest of green paper. Now that’s the kind of swag I can take home and wear.